Whenever people ask me about how to use “Sleight of Mouth”
(SoM) to influence others, I question whether they want to influence others
to “have power over them,” and “get over on them,”
or do they want to influence others in order to help people out of destructive
patterns? In short, as they always used to say on Batman cartoons, do
they want to “use their genius for good instead of evil?”
Why? Well, partially because I prefer people use their genius for good instead of evil, but mostly because SoM is easier and works better when there is but a single aim. When striving for influence, if you really are aligned with the other person’s outcome, there is only one target and your verbal arrows can be more accurately aimed. If you are trying to get over on them and have your own hidden agenda that benefits you and not them, it often will not work no matter how skilled you are. There are two separate and distinct targets, yours and theirs. This makes it then twice as hard to gain influence.
This is where persuasion is like verbal Aikido. In the martial art, Aikido, the practitioner does not confront the attacker directly; rather he aligns with the energy of the attack and redirects it to a more desirable end. As an example, say an attacker attempts to hit you. You deftly step aside, grab the attacker’s wrist and pull it in the same direction it was going so that the attacker is thrown off balance and you help them relocate to the floor.
In this article we will show how you can apply this basic principle of Aikido to the verbal martial art of Sleight of Mouth (or any persuasion skill). Of course, this is essentially “Pacing and Leading.” It’s good to be reminded of such basics and to remember how fundamentally important they are to quality communication. Here we will stop to consider how specifically crucial this principle is to the field of persuasion. We’ll even go so far as to propose that without it persuasion is virtually impossible. That is why it’s being referred to as “the Secret to becoming a Master Persuader.”
To apply this secret of aikido to verbal aikido you must align with the energy of the person’s stated belief. To do this requires three steps.
1. Use the “rapport-short-cut” to create instant rapport. (The “rapport-short-cut” was taught to me years ago by my friend, NLP Trainer Greg Gibson.) This short cut makes all the rapport skills, matching and mirroring, etc., virtually automatic. It’s very cool. Ready? Here it is: really care about them.
I know, it seems silly, but it works. It’s fast and effective.
Try it.
The second step falls so closely on the heals of the first step, they
practically trip over each other. It’s this:
2. Listen carefully to what they are saying and endeavor to step into their shoes… to see things from their perspective.
2.A. Understand the structure of their belief. (This is easier said than done, but the better you get at this, the more facile you’ll become at persuasion. Robert Dilts’s SoM videos and my SoM CDs go into some detail about this. The CDs also include the “Polya Patterns of Plausible Inference,” which explain a lot about how beliefs are held. Perhaps the most complete examination of the structure of beliefs is Jonathan Altfeld’s “Knowledge Engineering,” which is why I believe his and my joint presentation, “Belief Craft,” is so powerful.)
3. Employ the “Agreement Frame.”
Here’s a quick explanation of the Agreement Frame.
After you hear their stated point of view, respond in one of three ways:
“I agree…AND…”
“I respect… AND…”
or “I appreciate… AND…”
Be sure to continue your statement with the conjunction “AND” rather than “but.” Let me give you an example. Pretend you are in conversation with a person about something.
Person: “This ‘XYZ’ thing sucks.”
You: “I agree that it sucks AND I have also noticed that can have
some benefits. Consider these points…”
Or… You: “I respect your succinctness of expression AND I’m
curious, how specifically do you hold that belief?”
Or… You: “I appreciate the passion with which you hold your
view AND I am sure you’ll want to put that energy to good use. How
can we redesign this something so it no longer sucks.”
Notice how we avoided the use of the word “but.” When you use the word “but” it negates what came before. “Yes, but…” rarely wins arguments. The use of the word but is like two rams butting up against each other. There’s no resolution, just headaches. Instead, use the word “and” and connect what was said to what you are about to say.
(What’s interesting is that when you start to practice doing this, you begin to actually be able to see things from their perspective. You begin to respect and appreciate them and their point of view. Hmmm…Wouldn’t that be refreshing in our current political atmosphere?)
People are much more open to influence when they believe you are really listening to their current point of view and that you are attacking neither them nor their belief. With the “Agreement Frame”, you are acknowledging that their current belief is perfectly understandable from their point of view. That, when they formed that belief, they were doing the best they could with the resources available to them at that time, and that, given the same set of circumstances, you’d probably believe that too.
That is genuinely aligning with their position. By pacing this thoroughly you are then easily able to effectively lead them to where you want them to go.
From that point forward a skill set like “Sleight of Mouth” is almost unnecessary. Virtual icing on the cake.
Good to have it though.
Click this link and listen to Doug! http://members.instantaudio.com/postcards/?4601218
Doug O'Brien is a Master Practitioner and Trainer
of NLP, and a Certified
Hypnotherapist. Doug was a Master Trainer for Anthony Robbins, has conducted
numerous seminars of his own around the globe (specializing in the “Sleight
of
Mouth” patterns of Robert Dilts, NLP™ Certification Courses,
and Ericksonian
Hypnotherapy) and helped found Columbia-Presbyterian's Department of
Complementary Medicine.
Doug O'Brien & Associates
Center for NLP & Hypnosis
NLP Practitioner Certification in New York, October through January
Belief Craft with Jonathan Altfeld in Orlando, Nov. 11-14
Ericksonian Hypnosis Training, December 2004
http://www.Ericksonian.com
1-877-DOBrien (362-7436)
© Copyright - Doug O'Brien 2004 - All rights reserved!
NO, NO. It’s not what you think – stepping into outer space, though I do like the thought of that. What I am speaking of here is literally placing your body into another spatial location from where it currently is, in order to maximize your outcome. To some of you this may sound crazy, but stay with me here; you want to continue reading.
HAVE YOU ever been in a situation where you are “doing all you can” to get your point across to someone? You try and try – in the same spot - giving it your best shot, only to find yourself quietly saying something along the lines of, “why can’t they see my point of view?” or “Why, can’t they just comprehend what I am saying?” or “Why am I getting so much static from this person?”
THE ANSWER lies in the persuasion equation you are utilizing. It could be that you may have omitted several factors from it – or just one. This “one” element could be the use of the “physical space” you are occupying while you are delivering your presentation.Everyone has “filters of influence” that are uniquely organized to that individual. The stunning part of it all is - if you are paying attention your recipient (meaning, using your eyes and ears to begin with) they will show and tell you where their filters of influence are located.
FOR EXAMPLE, let’s say you are standing face to face with someone. Based on your calibration skills you’ve noticed they aren’t receptive to what you’ve just said, in other words, they haven’t been moved by your delivery. Simply step to the side - move from the physical location you are occupying into a different one. You then make whatever adjustments you need to and redeliver our presentation. You might want to even add in these phrases: “Here, look at it from this point of view; See it from this angle; Hear it from here; Does it sound better from here? Does it feel comfortable from here? Do you get it now? Or any combination you want, Etc…”
It’s this simple! See what responses you get.
WE HAVE filters for a myriad of experiences. For example, I am sure you all have been to a lecture and noticed that there are those attendees (probably you) that habitually sit in the same seat (aka their favorite seat)? If these people are forced to sit anywhere else they may whine, grumble and complain. These people unconsciously sit where they do because of how their learning filters are organized. Teachers, take note!
A TIP:
IF YOU find yourself unable to comprehend information that is intended
for you, change changing locations and see what happens.
TO RECAP:
(1) Learn to become aware of the - physical space - you are occupying,
be it standing, sitting, etc. as you are delivering your re-presentation.
(2) Moving to a new physical location then redelivering your re-presentation
is one way to get under, below, above or around these
so-called obstructions.
(3) Filters of influence are unique to everyone.
Visit: http://www.persuasion101.com"simple
tools for a complex world - for the non-salesperson!" Email. jjohnson@persuasion101.com
© Copyright - John G. Johnson 2004 - All rights reserved!