Hi, my name’s Jamie Smart and I’m an NLP Trainer. When John asked me to write an article on ‘Persuasion for the Non-Salesperson’ I thought ‘Perfect’. Why? Because I don’t think of myself as a salesperson, yet I’m involved in selling almost every day. Selling my services to my clients, selling my ideas to my students, selling my children on what I want them to do (& not to do). All of this involves the art of influence & persuasion. The fact that you’re reading this article means that you recognise the value of influence, so by the time you’ve finished it, you’ll be able to realise just how much fun the persuasion process can be. But what are some of the key elements of the persuasion process?
1. Know what you want
“If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will do”. Before you set out to persuade anyone of anything, it’s a good idea to know what you want.
I had a meeting with a prospective client recently, & I was going into it with very little knowledge about their situation. Before the meeting, I asked myself “What do I want?” I decided I wanted to emerge from the meeting with a commitment to do some work that I would enjoy. Then I asked myself “How will I know I’ve got it?” & vividly imagined myself shaking hands with my (now) client, both of us smiling, & me feeling good about having got some more business. When I went into the meeting, I got a better perspective on their situation, climbed over various obstacles, suggested a way forward & ended up (you guessed it) shaking hands with him, both of us smiling, me feeling good about having won some enjoyable new business. (For more about goals, see NLP Tip #1 in the Salad® archive.)
2. Identify the Benefits
If you want someone to do something, there’s one question running through their mind: “What’s in it for me?” (WII-FM). The answer to the WII-FM question will provide the motivation for the person you’re persuading to do what you want them to do, but only on one condition: that the perceived benefits to them outweigh the risks, disadvantages and costs they perceive in going down that route. Note that I say ‘perceived benefits’ – if they don’t perceive something as a benefit then, for purposes of persuasion, it isn’t one.
For example, I like my eldest daughter to be in bed by 7:30pm. That way, she gets a good night’s sleep and is in a fine mood when the morning comes. She, on the other hand, likes to stay up late – she doesn’t perceive a good night’s sleep as a benefit (or if she does, it doesn’t outweigh the benefits of playing with her toys until 2am). She does, however, really like playing with her friends. If I tell her that staying up late means she’ll have to sleep during the day and won’t be able to play with her friends, then that provides a strong enough un-benefit to outweigh the benefit of staying up late.
By the way, young children are natural persuaders – watch & learn! To get some insights into what benefits would be influential, ask yourself “What do they want?”, “What’s important to them?” & “What problems do they want solving?” (For more about benefits, see NLP Tip #37 in the Salad® archive.)
3. Relax
People are more likely to be persuaded by someone who is relaxed & comfortable in themselves, so relax. There are all sorts of ways to relax, & I don’t know which ways work best for you, but as you develop the habit of allowing yourself to relax, you can find them.
One of the things you can do is get into a relaxed state, & then ‘anchor’ it by squeezing your thumb & forefinger together, making a picture in your mind, or saying a certain word (or all 3). Then, when you want to relax, just ‘fire’ the anchor (squeeze, make picture, say word) & the feelings of relaxation will return. This is a good way of setting yourself up to relax in a situation which might previously have been stressful. (For more about states & anchoring, see NLP Tip #10 in the Salad® archive.)
4. Get in rapport
Rapport is the sense of ease & comfort you get with someone when you feel that you’re speaking the same language & that you’re on the same level. Rapport can give rise to feelings of trust & connection, & there are many methods to help rapport develop. Lots has been written about how to build rapport, & I’m not going to repeat it here (for more about rapport, see NLP Tip #4 in the Salad® archive.)
What I will say is that there is one condition where you do not need rapport, & it is the following: when the benefits of what you’re offering are so great that the other person wants to get in rapport with you (Eg. if Uma Thurman were to call me up & ask me to come to her hotel room and rub almond oil on her back, for instance). When you come up with a benefit that is extraordinarily compelling to the other person, then you don’t need rapport – in all other circumstances, it is highly recommended.
5. Pay attention
Watch and listen. When you watch & listen to the other person, they will give you all sorts of information; about what’s important to them; about what their issues are; about how they’re responding to what you’re saying to them. Most people turn off while the other person’s talking, & think about what they’re going to say next. If you find yourself doing this, just turn your attention back to the other person. (For more about this, see NLP Tip #8 in the Salad® archive.) So it’s important to pay attention to the other person while they’re talking (& even when they’re being quiet.)
I once read that the sign of a true leader is that they could be saying a sentence & change the end of the sentence based on how people were responding to the start of it. I don’t know if that’s true, but it’s certainly the sign of a flexible communicator. It’s important to pay attention to other people while you’re talking. Practice watching while talking, & find out just how much you’re able to notice about someone’s responses while you speak to them.
6. Deal with objections using the But-Flip™
Even when you know that what you’re suggesting totally rocks, people will sometimes have objections. People object for all sorts of reasons, but one of the main reasons is familiarity. People learn from what’s different, but they like what’s familiar, so…even if something is in their best interest, they will sometimes object to it.
There are all sorts of ways to handle objections, but one fun way to do it is with a But-Flip™ . People often want to do something, but come up with a reason not to, Eg. “I’d like to take you to Barbados, but it’s really expensive.” The word ‘but’ negates whatever precedes it in a sentence, & leaves the person with the reason NOT to do it occupying their consciousness. In the above example, it means that the feeling of wanting to go to Barbados disappears & the cost implications are what the person’s thinking about. When they do this, But-Flip™‘em, as follows:
“So it’s really expensive, but you’d like to take me to Barbados.”
This effectively reverses the importance of your proposal & their objection. Hooray! If you want to, you can even reframe what they’ve said by making minor changes to the language when you feed it back to them:
“So it’s a bit pricey, but you really want to take me to Barbados.”
By changing “It’s
really expensive” to “It’s a bit pricey” and “I’d
like to take you” to “You really want to take me” it
stacks the odds even further in your favour. The But-Flip™
Is one of my fave ways of dealing with objections, & the best thing
is, you can start practicing it right away. Whenever you hear a ‘but’,
hit’em with a But-Flip™.
7. Ask for what you want
Sooner or later, you need to ask for what you want. You can do this directly (“So, would you like to come out for dinner with me?”) or indirectly (“So, which night is best for you to come out for dinner with me, Friday or Saturday?”), but either way, you have to do it.
If you want to use the indirect way, it’s a good idea to ask a question that assumes they are going to do what you want them to. My partner used to have big rows with our daughter about which clothes she would wear, and would sometimes spend 10 or 15 minutes trying to choose an outfit. I have a different approach: I pick up two dresses, hold them up & say “Do you want to wear this one or that one.” She chooses one, then I do the same with each of the articles of clothing she wears. The outfit gets chosen in under a minute. I’m sure you’ve heard the line “Do you want to pay by Visa or Mastercard?” The idea of this is that it assumes that you’re going to buy something, & the only question is about how you’re going to pay for it. This is often easier than asking “So, do you want to buy this?”
So when should you ask for what you want? When you know (or are pretty sure) that the benefits they perceive outweigh the risks, disadvantages and costs they perceive in going your way.
So this is one model of the persuasion process. If you wanted to, you could use it to persuade yourself to practice these techniques and get some real feedback. Once you’ve done it for a while, you’ll be amazed at the results you get.
© Copyright Jamie Smart 2004 - All rights reserved
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I'VE HAD SOME REQUESTS lately for some tips on practical calibration. One of the people who emailed me has read NLP books, etc. and has noted that while she knows what to look for, she's not sure if she's always finding it.
WELL, THE ONE THING I suggest is that, if you are "looking" for something, or even "listening" for it, you may just be working too hard. After all, whenever you've lost something, chances are that you didn't find it while you were looking for it, but rather "remembered where it was after giving up on it. It's not such an esoteric thing, actually.
IT HAS TO DO WITH brain chemistry. Remember, you want good chemicals being produced by your brain, not the "negative" stuff. When your brain is just full of those good neuro-transmitters, the environment is ripe for those sparks zinging from one synapse to another, across cortical pathways even. People have been thinking that it's "hypnosis" that has people remember things more easily. Well, could it just be that the relaxation you experience also has your brain make certain combinations of chemicals that promote good transmitting of messages? Hmmmmm.
NOW, ABOUT THAT calibration thing. Practice just noticing the changes in people's faces, voices, physiology. With this being a big political election year here in the US, there are opportunities galore!! That way, you get to sit back and just notice. Relax, take notes. That way, you're free to experience just what it is you can see and hear (and feel).
NOW, I'VE GOT TO tell you that with all you can notice, it's probably what you're noticing already that is important. When someone asked me about what they were missing I had to ask them how they knew they were missing anything!
THE PROBLEM FOR MOST people is they then try to attach some meaning to what they see or hear in terms of shifts. In the beginning, you may want to test your hypothesis' because you could be wrong. And that could be a mistake if you take action on what you think is when it isn't. And so you could always ask, "Is there something I've missed?" or "Is there something more I can tell you?"
ALL THE INTERACTIONS you have with people are experiences you and they are having. If you begin to think in terms of experiencing what's there when it is, then'll you begin to calibrate in a new way, or enhance the ways you have been calibrating.
SO WHILE CALIBRATING IS important, it's also important to track other things, like their values and beliefs, criteria, modal operators, etc. Just relax and notice what you notice. Then move on to other things. It's not so important what they are doing as WHEN!! Now that's worth keeping track of. WHEN do they make a shift? What happened just before they made that shift?
Life is an adventure and all is there to excite us!
John J. La Valle is a Licensed Master Trainer of NLP™ & DHE™* He has been in the training & development field for over two decades and has brought NLP™ and DHE™ into the business arena. Mr. La Valle not only works closely with Dr. Richard Bandler, http://www.richardbandler.com the co-developer of NLP, John also co-authored the bestseller “Persuasion Engineering™” with him! John is an internationally sought after consultant! Go to John's website: http://www.purenlp.com
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